Do you feel like your life is missing something? Have you been wondering if there’s something more than that which you’ve been able to experience and understand up until now? Then I have good news for you. There is more out there. You just need to open yourself up to the possibility that there’s something bigger. You need to admit that you’re not capable of making it on your own. Then you need to accept The Dollyrots into your heart.
Will The Dollyrots fix all your ills? Probably not. Chances are that they won’t find you a job. Chances are better that they won’t cure you of cancer or herpes or that annoying cold you’ve had for the last couple days. They probably also won’t get you a date on Friday night. So you might ask yourself, “Why should I accept The Dollyrots into my heart instead of, say, accepting tequila into my stomach?” I’m glad you asked. The answer is “hangovers.”
The Dollyrots will not give you a hangover. Tequila most likely will. Ergo, tomorrow you’ll be better off with The Dollyrots. Tonight you might be better off with tequila, but, well, have you considered that it’s your short-sightedness that has caused you to become the unemployed, single, cancer-riddled sad sack you are today? Think about it. No, YOU think about it. But not too long. Especially about that cancer-riddled part, since I don’t think that tequila causes cancer and if you think I’m saying that you’ll probably decide I don’t know anything. And tequila manufacturers might sue me for libel or something.
Anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah, you were accepting The Dollyrots into your heart. Why were you doing that, again? Because the Dollyrots are awesome, that’s why. In fact, if you listen closely, chances are that you’ll hear The Dollyrots tell you that they’re awesome. See if you can catch the undercurrent in their song “Because I’m Awesome:”
The Dollyrots kinda-sorta jumped onto my radar last week and have basically clubbed my head against the various bits of solid equipment that make up said radar. I’m okay with that. I didn’t really need my head, anyway. I mean, I didn’t need it as much as I needed The Dollyrots to take up residence in my heart. That might be a long-term problem, though, since my heart is where my blood used to be and I feel like that might be detrimental.
Eh. What’re ya gonna do?
I came of age during the reign of grunge. I also came of age during the golden age of pop punk. As such, while Soundgarden is the most important fucking band in the world to me, Green Day and the various Green Day clones that followed had more than a bit of influence on my determination of what makes music good. For anyone who’s been paying attention to this here blog I’ve also recently spent quite a bit of time making sure that ‘90s riot grrl rock got added to its proper place in my own personal pantheon.
Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, then, I was in the exact perfect state of mind to get my mind completely and totally fucking blown by The Dollyrots. How do I explain The Dollyrots, then? Basically, they’re what would happen if Kay Hanley of Letters to Cleo and Emma Stone had a daughter[1] and raised their love child on a steady diet of Green Day’s Dookie, Sugarcult’s Start Static[2], Letters to Cleo’s Go!, Veruca Salt’s Eight Arms to Hold You, and No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom.[3]
Seriously. Kelly Ogden of The Dollyrots sings like a hybrid of Kay Hanley and Louise Post of Veruca Salt. This is more of the Kay Hanley side:
This is more of the Louise Post side (weirdly, every single live YouTube video of the band seems to have the same washed-out lead vocals. This is the best example I could find. What're ya gonna do?):
Also, in case you’re wondering, Kelly O plays the bass and is the lead singer, which puts her in the same, rarified, air as Lemmy Kilmeister of Motorhead. So, fuck yeah?
And, um, yeah, that was just an excuse to put up another YouTube video. What’re ya gonna do about it?
Either way, The Dollyrots: go get you some. Your life will be better. Even if you have cancer-herpes. I don’t know what those are, but I’m guessing they’re cold sores that break out all over your body every couple weeks and never, ever go away until they kill you. Don’t get cancer-herpes.
--------------------
Because I can, here’s some music cited in the above post:
Veruca Salt’s “Volcano Girls.” Because I can, that’s why.
Japanese people. So hilarious. Amirite, guys?
Green Day used to be fun. Then they went all political and Billy Joe started wearing eyeliner. I miss the old days of songs about masturbation and, um, other songs about masturbation. And albums named after slang for poop and dumb people. The ‘90s, man. The ‘90s. They were the best.
Let’s all move to Portland. This has nothing to do with anything, but I need the dream of the ‘90s to be alive right now. I just do. Also, I totally want to move to Portland. Except I fear that the reality will be more annoying hipster than musical numbers and that hot girl with the glasses and the blue bandana. Who's probably actually an annoying hipster.
Every time I see this video I realize that there will come a time when we’re as embarrassed by the fashion of the ‘90s as people who came of age in the ‘80s are about leg warmers and pastels. I mean, all the dudes in the video are dressed like Charlie Sheen from Two and a Half Men. And the whole cutoff jean shorts + leggings thing Kay Hanley was rocking? Yeah…no.
Oh my god, you guys. THIS WAS A THING. I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS BEING A THING!
Okay, then, I think that the Flaming Lips just broke my brain. The lesson, as always, is that following YouTube links is dangerous.
Eh. Have some No Doubt. Nothing bad comes from that, right?
-------------------------
[1]Which is totally possible according to science. It’s why the feminazis want to get rid of men, after all. Consider yourselves warned, men who would otherwise be procreating with Emma Stone or Kay Hanley.
[2]This is technically impossible, since the band’s creation myth comes from the election of George W Bush in 2000 and Sugarcult put out Start Static in 2001. But my theory makes sense because, um, shut up, that’s why.
[3]By the by, a playlist consisting of Green Day’s Dookie and Nimrod, Sugarcult’s Start Static, No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom, Veruca Salt’s Eight Arms to Hold You, Letters to Cleo’s discography, and The Dollyrots’ discography is kind of awesome.
Will The Dollyrots fix all your ills? Probably not. Chances are that they won’t find you a job. Chances are better that they won’t cure you of cancer or herpes or that annoying cold you’ve had for the last couple days. They probably also won’t get you a date on Friday night. So you might ask yourself, “Why should I accept The Dollyrots into my heart instead of, say, accepting tequila into my stomach?” I’m glad you asked. The answer is “hangovers.”
The Dollyrots will not give you a hangover. Tequila most likely will. Ergo, tomorrow you’ll be better off with The Dollyrots. Tonight you might be better off with tequila, but, well, have you considered that it’s your short-sightedness that has caused you to become the unemployed, single, cancer-riddled sad sack you are today? Think about it. No, YOU think about it. But not too long. Especially about that cancer-riddled part, since I don’t think that tequila causes cancer and if you think I’m saying that you’ll probably decide I don’t know anything. And tequila manufacturers might sue me for libel or something.
Anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah, you were accepting The Dollyrots into your heart. Why were you doing that, again? Because the Dollyrots are awesome, that’s why. In fact, if you listen closely, chances are that you’ll hear The Dollyrots tell you that they’re awesome. See if you can catch the undercurrent in their song “Because I’m Awesome:”
The Dollyrots kinda-sorta jumped onto my radar last week and have basically clubbed my head against the various bits of solid equipment that make up said radar. I’m okay with that. I didn’t really need my head, anyway. I mean, I didn’t need it as much as I needed The Dollyrots to take up residence in my heart. That might be a long-term problem, though, since my heart is where my blood used to be and I feel like that might be detrimental.
Eh. What’re ya gonna do?
I came of age during the reign of grunge. I also came of age during the golden age of pop punk. As such, while Soundgarden is the most important fucking band in the world to me, Green Day and the various Green Day clones that followed had more than a bit of influence on my determination of what makes music good. For anyone who’s been paying attention to this here blog I’ve also recently spent quite a bit of time making sure that ‘90s riot grrl rock got added to its proper place in my own personal pantheon.
Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, then, I was in the exact perfect state of mind to get my mind completely and totally fucking blown by The Dollyrots. How do I explain The Dollyrots, then? Basically, they’re what would happen if Kay Hanley of Letters to Cleo and Emma Stone had a daughter[1] and raised their love child on a steady diet of Green Day’s Dookie, Sugarcult’s Start Static[2], Letters to Cleo’s Go!, Veruca Salt’s Eight Arms to Hold You, and No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom.[3]
Seriously. Kelly Ogden of The Dollyrots sings like a hybrid of Kay Hanley and Louise Post of Veruca Salt. This is more of the Kay Hanley side:
This is more of the Louise Post side (weirdly, every single live YouTube video of the band seems to have the same washed-out lead vocals. This is the best example I could find. What're ya gonna do?):
Also, in case you’re wondering, Kelly O plays the bass and is the lead singer, which puts her in the same, rarified, air as Lemmy Kilmeister of Motorhead. So, fuck yeah?
And, um, yeah, that was just an excuse to put up another YouTube video. What’re ya gonna do about it?
Either way, The Dollyrots: go get you some. Your life will be better. Even if you have cancer-herpes. I don’t know what those are, but I’m guessing they’re cold sores that break out all over your body every couple weeks and never, ever go away until they kill you. Don’t get cancer-herpes.
--------------------
Because I can, here’s some music cited in the above post:
Veruca Salt’s “Volcano Girls.” Because I can, that’s why.
Japanese people. So hilarious. Amirite, guys?
Green Day used to be fun. Then they went all political and Billy Joe started wearing eyeliner. I miss the old days of songs about masturbation and, um, other songs about masturbation. And albums named after slang for poop and dumb people. The ‘90s, man. The ‘90s. They were the best.
Let’s all move to Portland. This has nothing to do with anything, but I need the dream of the ‘90s to be alive right now. I just do. Also, I totally want to move to Portland. Except I fear that the reality will be more annoying hipster than musical numbers and that hot girl with the glasses and the blue bandana. Who's probably actually an annoying hipster.
Every time I see this video I realize that there will come a time when we’re as embarrassed by the fashion of the ‘90s as people who came of age in the ‘80s are about leg warmers and pastels. I mean, all the dudes in the video are dressed like Charlie Sheen from Two and a Half Men. And the whole cutoff jean shorts + leggings thing Kay Hanley was rocking? Yeah…no.
Oh my god, you guys. THIS WAS A THING. I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS BEING A THING!
Okay, then, I think that the Flaming Lips just broke my brain. The lesson, as always, is that following YouTube links is dangerous.
Eh. Have some No Doubt. Nothing bad comes from that, right?
-------------------------
[1]Which is totally possible according to science. It’s why the feminazis want to get rid of men, after all. Consider yourselves warned, men who would otherwise be procreating with Emma Stone or Kay Hanley.
[2]This is technically impossible, since the band’s creation myth comes from the election of George W Bush in 2000 and Sugarcult put out Start Static in 2001. But my theory makes sense because, um, shut up, that’s why.
[3]By the by, a playlist consisting of Green Day’s Dookie and Nimrod, Sugarcult’s Start Static, No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom, Veruca Salt’s Eight Arms to Hold You, Letters to Cleo’s discography, and The Dollyrots’ discography is kind of awesome.
Damn it, man, why do you do this to me? Do I LOOK like I have extra money to spend on new music? Do I need this sort of temptation - no, this sort of compulsion - in my life???
Posted by: Michael Mock | 02/28/2013 at 10:58 AM
Anyone else think that frame grab from "Volcano Girls" looks just like Sarah Chalke from Scrubs? Also, quit talking about gorgeous female celebrities procreating together. That's my intellectual propertah!
Posted by: The Everlasting Dave | 02/28/2013 at 03:00 PM
It's true. I watched those Dollyrots videos and now* I am engaged to be married.
* strict causality, or even sequentiality, should not be inferred.
Posted by: Firedrake | 03/01/2013 at 04:07 PM