Double Standards

I still can’t let go of the absolutely aggravating tautology that reduced me to strings of the word “bullshit” in my last post.  To review:

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.[Emphasis not mine.]

This is one of those things that just…argh.

I’m on record as saying I don’t date much.  Fundamentally speaking, I’ve got better things to do.  But there’s also the issue that I have empirical proof that I tend to want to overcommit.  Yes, there’s such a thing.  I believe that in the last post I implied it can lead to things like getting married and divorced three times, then being dumb enough to think that means you have some great gnosis that everyone really, really should sit at your knee and learn.

Technically speaking, I could have been married twice by now.  I’m not saying that’s a realistic option based on the fact that I was actually out shopping for rings.  It’s more…well, let me try to explain.

When I was younger I was saddled with two problems.  One, I had low self-esteem.  Two, I believed that if I didn’t get something right the first time I’d never be able to get a second chance.  These two problems lead directly two a nine month relationship-esque thing wherein I didn’t want to actually be there, but figured I couldn’t do any better and she…well, it’s possible that she actually had something closely approximating love for me.  It’s more likely that she just really liked the fact that I was totally willing to be used because I was a massive dumbass.  Still, there were points where I considered the ramifications of making it long-term and my conclusion was, “Well, I could make this work.”  Fortunately it never came anywhere close to that.

Several years later there was the oft-discussed-in-these-circles thing with Her.  I’ve been over it enough.  More than enough, really.  But as a refresher: the first four months were great.  The next four months were less than great and culminated in me realizing nothing would ever happen.  The next year-and-change was me trying against all odds to get back to where I thought things were going in that first four months.  After that there was more time than I really care to admit spent trying to figure out how to get her “back.”

Call me crazy, but that sounds an awful lot like a willingness to commit.  It also sounds like outright insanity.  So to say that “character” = “commitment” is to indicate that you believe commitment is an unmitigated and unqualified good.  This, in turn, indicates that you have no idea what the fuck the word means or implies.  It’s that simple.

When I talk about commitment I usually go back to my car.  I’ve also now been known to talk about my dog.  Both are examples of hesitating to commit that act as pretty good benchmarks.

March 1st, 2011 will be the one year anniversary of the purchase of my Mazda.  I still get in to the car and say, “I love this car.”  I suspect I’ll be saying that on March 1st, 2012, too.  Probably the next couple after that.

Before that I was driving a car that was good enough and didn’t need to be replaced.  My main criteria, then, in getting a new car was, “This needs to be something that will be better than what I had in every way but cost.”  Since, you know, the Cavalier was paid off.

I liked the Cavalier.  I like my life.  I love my Mazda.  I suspect if I ever do decide to change my life it will be for someone I can say the same thing about.

Why fix something that isn’t broken, after all?  Why get married just because it’s something you’re supposed to do?  That’s stupid.  And tough.

Committing to one person doesn’t just mean that you can’t play the field any more.  It means you can’t just say, “Fuck it, I want to move to Portland,” and pack up tomorrow.  It means you can’t spend all your time working on that one big project.  It means you can’t always just get home from work and watch your favorite TV show.  You have to take the feelings, needs, and desires of another person in to account.

Committing also means that you open up avenues you didn’t have before.  If you commit to the right person it means you have a support system you didn’t have before.  It could mean you’re introduced to people and things you never would have met before.  This is good.  But those benefits have to outweigh the costs.  If they don’t you’re just asking to fill out divorce paperwork a couple years down the road and ask why you were so stupid as to do that in the first place.

This is less of a problem for me than the (admittedly few) women I date.  At least, it seems that way.  In my admittedly unscientific perusal of stupid dating articles I’ve noticed that the vast majority of the single shaming is directed at women.  It’s always women who need to lower their standards or give up their dreams of the knight in shining armor while making sure they have an ass you can bounce a quarter off of.  The message, of course, is that a woman is nothing without a man and needs to fix that right quick.

For men it’s less clear cut.  Sure, you get the whole “men who aren’t married are immature man-children” thing, but the implication is that they should decide they want to grow up and take their role as a contributing member of society.  It’s either an exasperated, “Oh, why don’t you grow up?” or an admonition to “be a man.”  But…how do I say this?

There aren’t any articles directed at telling me that I’m doing something wrong because I’m still single.  I don’t need to lower my standards, as a guy who has a career-track job and a 401(k) and a dog an all those trappings of the good life.  In fact, all those hard-charging corporate-type women who should be desperate to beat down my door so they can be my official stay at home baby incubator.

And since they can’t find me, they should be lowering their standards.

That…that seems a little fucked up.

Here’s the thing: even in my admittedly tepid dating life I’ve run in to more women than I really should have who just reek of desperate.  I have been begged for second dates.  I have had women assume that 1 date = relationship.

And I’m not saying this so you know I’m all hot shit.  I’m saying this because it’s happened and it freaked me the hell out.  Seriously, I’m not that great.  Yes, I have any number of things going for me on paper, but I’m reasonably certain I’m exasperating to have a conversation with if you’re not fascinated by random minutiae about whatever my current intellectual hobby horse is.  Also, since I don’t date much I don’t follow the conventions of dating at all and instead go for something between “endearingly awkward” and “regular, old-fashioned awkward.”  Further, I am completely and totally incapable of flirting.  It is a skill I simply do not possess and which, I’m reasonably certain, is important for the whole dating thing.

But I digress…

Sure, this scenario totally works to my advantage as a guy.  I’m free to take advantage of anyone I want to take advantage of, really.  And if you’re an advice columnist telling otherwise intelligent and capable women, “If he’s got a pulse and can feed himself consider degrading yourself just so you can have a man.  Anything above that is gravy and you should throw yourself at that shit with reckless abandon,” you’re not helping.

Do you know what turning women in to commitment-crazed lunatics does?  It allows guys who are kinda-sorta considering being assholes to turn the asshole up to 11.  It enables guys who would rather sit on their asses and play video games while someone else does the work to take advantage of any woman who is dumb enough to listen to the societal pressures being placed on them by jackass contributors to HuffPo.  Is that really such a hard thing to realize?

Turning around, then, and saying that all you need to get from a man is commitment (while admitting that at least one of the men who “committed” to you was a cheater and liar.  Natch), is then an instruction to let that asshole man-child you’ve just lowered your standards for to string you along for as long as he wants.  Then, occasionally, someone needs to ask, “Where have all the men gone?” and, like, blame cartoons and video games.  There’s no reason to blame asshole advice columnists, after all.  If everyone stops and thinks about the ramifications of telling one gender to give up all standards in pursuit of a stupid, unnecessary, outdated ideal then no one will be able to repackage that terrible single shaming article next month.

And we couldn’t have that now, could we?

Comments

[Michael Mock]

I... I just...

Thank you for writing all this. Because I don't think I could have put my abject disgust with that article into words.

And I say this as someone who is married, and does feel that it's worth the things I give up for it. The idea of marriage as an end in itself - and the even more pernicious idea that Marriage Will Make Everything Better - need to go die in a fire, right now.

[Geds]

I'm still not sure I have put my abject disgust in to words, so I'm not sure you should thank me just yet...

But...yeah. I'm kind of working up to one of my odd convergence of ideas posts and this whole thing is actually illustrative of a larger issue I haven't quite been able to put in to words yet. Still, this two-fold idea of, "Fit yourself in to my mold!" and, "I'm an expert at this because I've failed at it multiple times!" seems like key ideas...

Weirdly, I'm thinking of writing a book about dating. I'm probably the absolute last person who should do such a thing based on that bit where I don't date much and I hate doing it. But the book would actually be more like a loosely connected string of stories of self-realization and how that connects to the stupid attitudes people take in to relationships. That seems like a way more useful thing than, "You're too fat and stupid and your standards are too high and why don't you have any self esteem?"

[Michael Mock]

Dating For People Who Hate Dating
I Don't Know Much Of Anything About Relationships And Dating
Dating Done Wrong (It's Not Always Your Fault!)

Someone stop me before I start mocking up cover art...