Chicago Bear Patrol

I'm currently 30 miles outside Chicago.  That saddens me, since I'd rather be in Chicago right now so I could walk around the Loop and take pictures of the streets that I'm told are surprisingly empty for a gorgeous Friday in late May.

So, basically, after three solid weeks of ratcheting panic and, "STAY AWAY WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE," Chicago is enjoying what might be the most peaceful day it's ever enjoyed.  At the very least it's a close second to the city-wide day of mourning declared when it was announced that Chicago Code had not been renewed by FOX.

It'll be nice, though, to hear all of the talking heads and pundits and everyone else stand up and say, "You know what? Maybe we panicked over nothing and we need to seriously re-consider our response to things like this.  Perhaps it's time to have a little faith in humanity again."

Oh, wait, I'm sorry.  That's how things work in my alternate universe where people are intelligent and decent and capable of being reasonable.  In that universe I'm also married to Kristen Bell and Mary Elizabeth Winstead at the same time.  Also, I have a pony.

So, since we don't live in that world, I'll bet I can tell you exactly how this went.  The whole thing ended up being peaceful and no one got hurt because of all the great prep work done by the City of Chicago and the various other entities who spent the last month working all the office workers up into a nice frothing panic at the thought they might have to possible be in the same street at the same time as an unwashed freak.  Also, too, there might even be MORE unwashed freaks than usual, so said office workers wouldn't have the luxury of ganging up on that person and yelling, "Get a job!"

Because, y'know, that's the real problem.  They're all too goddamn lazy to work and they want to take all of the hard working office peoples' stuff away.

Again, welcome to America in 2012.  Treasure it, people.

Comments

[Carolyn R]

"Patchouli-scented locusts" might be my most favoritest NATO Panic-inspired catchphrase ever. It also applies to 99% of Lollapalooza attendees so we're ahead of the game for August, too. My company is clinging to the Open At All Costs doctrine so I am inclined to put on my boyfriend's Roger Clyne as Che shirt on Monday to ahem, "blend in" as we have been told to do whilst commuting.
Which is how I found your blog, by the way. You are the only site I could find on the whole of the internets with a picture of that shirt. My co-worker was actually joking about us all wearing Che shirts on Monday and I told her I would only wear one of Roger as Che which I felt needed photographic illustration. So, thanks for that and the catchphrase. I owe you one.
-- Carolyn

[formerconservative]

Can I be married to Zooey Deschanel and Norah Jones at the same time in your alternate universe?

I don't really want a pony. Too much poop to clean up.